Most Things In Life Aren’t Controllable
Calm down a little bit dear young persons, me included.
“How far your saving goals Winnie?” My friend asked me earlier this week.
“It’s going oh,” I said.
After Q1 in this first week of Q2 I wondered why I felt out of place with the plans and goals I had for the year. That's when I realized this calming truth that most things in life aren't controllable. This is one thing we young people fail to see. That you can do everything right and things would still not go as planned because they aren't controllable.
And I don’t just mean the big things—like natural disasters or the fact that your body ages or that someone you love might not love you back. I mean the small stuff too. Missing classes when you wake up at 6 am. Missed opportunities. The weird tension in a room. How tired you feel some days. What people think about you. Whether or not they text back.
Still, we twist ourselves into knots trying to master it all.
Like everything I study these days I try to back it up with data. This is what the science says:
Only 40% of our happiness is within our intentional control, according to research by Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D. The rest? 50% comes from genetics, and 10% from life circumstances. (Yep. Just 10%.)
In a 2023 APA Stress in America™ survey, nearly 77% of adults reported feeling significant stress about things they couldn’t control—like global instability, inflation, and social division.
Neuroscientist David Eagleman reminds us that the brain is wired to predict and prepare, but the discomfort comes when prediction fails. And in modern life, it often does.
The Illusion of Control
Financial Markets:
Studies on stock market predictability show that even experts struggle to consistently outperform the market. The Efficient Market Hypothesis suggests that market prices reflect all available information, making it nearly impossible to consistently "beat" the market. Data from numerous financial institutions show that long term diversified investment strategies tend to outperform active trading.
According to research, unexpected events like economic downturns or geopolitical crises drastically impact financial outcomes, showcasing the limits of forecasting.
Health and Longevity:
While lifestyle choices significantly influence health, genetic predispositions play a substantial role. Studies in epigenetics demonstrate how environmental factors can influence gene expression, but the initial genetic baseline remains largely uncontrollable.
Data from the World Health Organization (WHO) highlights that unexpected health events, like accidents or sudden illnesses, are significant factors in life expectancy, more so showing us the unpredictable nature of health.
Career Paths:
Labor market data shows that external factors like technological advancements, economic shifts, and industry disruptions often dictate career trajectories.
Research from institutions analyzing employment trends shows that job security has decreased due to the rise of the gig economy and automation. These factors are largely outside of the individuals control.
Relationships:
Social psychology research emphasizes the complexity of human interactions. While we can influence our behavior, the responses and actions of others are beyond our control.
Data regarding divorce rates and relationship satisfaction show that unforeseen changes in circumstances and individual growth can lead to unexpected outcomes.
The Data on Accepting Uncertainty
Stress and Well-being:
Studies on stress management reveal that acceptance and mindfulness-based practices significantly reduce anxiety related to uncontrollable events.
Research using fMRI scans demonstrates that individuals who practice acceptance show reduced activity in brain regions associated with stress and worry.
Resilience:
Data from positive psychology research indicates that individuals who develop a growth mindset and embrace uncertainty are more resilient in the face of adversity.
Studies following people who have gone through traumatic events show that those who focused on what they could control, and accepted what they couldn't, showed greater recovery.
Productivity and Creativity:
Studies on creativity show that openess to new experiences, and the ability to adapt to unexpected challenges increases creative output.
Data on workflow management shows that those who are able to adapt to changing circumstances are more productive.
So what do we do?
We soften. We stop white-knuckling our way through things.
I saw a girl say your 20s are for laying the foundations of your life so you won't be clueless in your 40s and it is crazy. Because you could lay a good foundation for 10 years and have it all crumble. I have seen people eat healthy and organically all their lives to be diagnosed with cancer and you ask “how?”
In my Q1 many things truly went well and many things didn't go well. I got two jobs only to be ghosted in March. I had a beautiful February and felt a tentious March. However, in March my school went well. I registered well and paid school fees. I had plans with those two jobs I got. I learned the skill of automation, and I have applied for over 50 jobs. I was doing at least three or two applications daily. I had therapy sessions with my therapist and she asked me a question, “Why do you feel the need to operate on survival mode?”
I figured perhaps it is because surviving is all I know.
She said you need to open your valve to abundance once again. You need not be scared. Silence the news if they make you anxious, unfollow those that increase your woes, limit media, and basically touch grass. I laughed.
In a way, being in your head can make you forget that good things have actually been happening as well. We ought to actively seek them to reduce the gloom in your mind.
For me I write. I write because writing heals me. Writing brought me out of the deepest deep and will continue to be my anchor in this world. I don't care if people no longer read, I will always read. I also realized that when I deeply believed in this power writing has in changing the world, I always saw a way. However with the whole wave of AI, there's been a disconnect to how I feel when I read some things written by people. It started to rub me off that I was connecting to a human being.
But I know the message it is passing which prompts me to write my next paragraph that we can all just flow. I don't mean flow in the sense of your friends with benefits telling you to just flow. But in the sense of flowing like the perfect batter for muffin cakes. Soft and clean while you await your time as you bake.
As we bake let us;
Build rhythms and not rigid plans.
Let go not out of apathy but out of wisdom.
Focus on what is ours to hold and let the rest move like weather across a sky we never owned in the first place.
That doesn't mean giving up. It means releasing control to regain peace.
To all my fellow young people like me or fairly mid adults like me who are gripping too tightly to expectations:
Breathe. You’re allowed to not have it all together.
With you in the unlearning,
Truly yours, Win.
When something overwhelms you, ask yourself: “Is this mine to control?” If not, take your hands off it. take a sip of water, go for a walk, or stare out the window for 2 minutes. That’s still doing something. Something real. As for my savings goals, it is still going.