life update

Hello, it's me.

I may have to write this now because these days I forget a lot how I feel. I cannot wait for a perfect time to write on a perfect system and polish this up in a way that inspires well.

I may not have the rawness in me again and somehow may forget that in this moment today, I feel vulnerable.

This past week made me forget dates, time, money, and work. I kept going through each day with endless tasks to fulfill.

Talk about getting a new debit card to school fee payments and feeding.

I asked Zuzu a million and one question because my head could not comprehend a lot forgetting we are both in the same shoes together.

I cried on some days, and other days I just kept silent and moved through the system.

Safe to say I am in the system now and will have to wing it from here.

It is hard running through your savings and having clients who ghosted you and decide not to pay.

It is hard to receive an unjust feedback on your Upwork profile you just got running this year again.

It is hard to have automations classes you need to catch up with while simultaneously searching for a remote job so you can balance the spending with the earnings.

It is hard navigating accommodation when most of the people who can give it to you see it as an opportunity to have access to your body.

Feeding on irregular schedule is hard too. However I chose this and I will finish it by God’s grace.

One thing this taught me is; that I am forever moving forward. I have had very interesting years and each year there's a theme that guides it. It can only be God.

I also want to say I am not confused about God. I am not confused about God. God will answer you if you diligently seek his face. I haven't seen his face in my life yet in the way I want to see it. However I have seen his face in the lives of those close to me and all I can say is “Alhamdulillah, praise be to God, Glory be to God.”

Somehow I hope to see him in mine soon.

When someone asks me what am I looking forward to? I say “answered prayers.”

My prayers are simple. I need them answered for me and mine. Perhaps I am already living some of my answered prayers who knows?

I've felt vulnerable the past week that talking about things get me emotional and close to tears fast.

I want to be silent for a while 24 - 48 hours maybe and just sit with myself. However everyone I like choose music, prayer chants, or something entirely different. I respect that but my insides wants to catch my breadth and mind that we are doing this.

I want to journal and map out my plans and not feel like I have been floating. But I keep forgetting.

I even forgot how to be beautiful and i have been showing up like a pablet.

On needs.

My needs are a lot. I need a new system before April 14th. A traveling one. A portable Mifi that actually works in this state. I need an apartment. I need a big girl job.

I forgot what it is like to earn since January. It is not a good feeling. However I have been practicing to keep my joy up there despite what my reality dictates.

Also I actually do feel like I have entered 2025. Perhaps it is the spring equinox or the stress of documentation and getting into a new environment. I feel it now and this year is not here to joke with us.

I need soft shoes too. Free trousers, etc. Like it is so endless. I also need good and kind words. I need a hug too because I've been stretched almost thin. Regardless I've got thick skin, a stubborn head, and a firm resolve.

Anywho I want to tell you that whatever you're going through today, go through it. Feel your emotions and pour it out. Allow your friends to see you. Or maybe allow strangers see you. It doesn't matter, do strive to be seen and put your emotions out.

A lot happened the past week, even suicide of someone close to our family. It is just a lot lot lot.

Writing makes it better, maybe. It helps.

Will it get better? Probably not. However, our joy and stamina to swim and float should be geometrical growth.

Vulnerability is risky, it is rough, but at least it makes you appreciate the real ones who do not run away from you when you come baring your wounds. Rather they cover you up and say “I love you, you've got this.”

They affirm us and give us courage to attempt living daily.

Best,

Win. ♡♡

---

Thank you for reading. I hope you're well?