I Was Waiting to Exhale

I’ve been holding my breath.

Not in the poetic, dramatic way like one boy took your breath away kind of holding your breath. It was the very real, clenched-jaw, tight-shoulders, breath-caught-somewhere-between-the-past-and-the-future kind of way.

For what? Who sent me? I was waiting. Waiting for the “right” time. The big breakthrough and somehow became fixated that every new day I wake up will be the day for my big “Yes.”

The moment where someone maybe Holy Mary, herself would descend from the heavens, hand me a gold-plated permission slip and say, “You may now exhale, beloved.”

The wild thing? I didn’t even realize it.

I was waiting for something. Some big. A moment that would whisper, “Okay now, you can breathe.”

But it hit me, I was the one who had to say that. The permission I needed to exhale wasn’t coming from the heavens or some distant nor near milestone.

It was me all along. I’m the permission. I am the moment. And I was out here suffocating for no reason.

Like, why was I so tense? Searching high and low for answers that were literally under my pillow the whole time. Acting like my peace of mind got lost in an Uber in 2021. Girl, be serious.

Because, truth is, the chaos does end. The uncertainty calms. The storms do pass. And yet, I was out here, tensed up, searching for what wasn’t even lost. Panicking like a wet dog without shelter.

And somewhere in the mix of dreaming big and romanticizing the “next level,” I forgot to say thank you for the level I’m on. I was so focused on “more, more, more” that I started side-eyeing my current life like it owed me something.

Dreaming big is cute. But not when it turns you into an ungrateful gremlin who rolls her eyes at everything she prayed for last year.

I had to tell myself this morning that: Gratitude doesn’t cancel ambition. It just makes the ride less stressful and more joyful. You can love where you’re going and be proud of where you are—without needing to insult the “before” version of you.

This comes from being self-sufficient since your teenage years and fending for everything you do by your grit and hard work. You believe that if you press hard enough answers will fall through like when you churn butter from milk.

This year I said I want tangible wins out loud. Tangible wins are all a cumulation of the mundane you know. The quiet wins that don't trend online all come together to make tangible loud wins.

Somewhere along the way, I started equating ambition with constant dissatisfaction. I told myself that dreaming big meant a dissatisfaction for the now like it was a sprint past all the versions of me who fought just to get here.

But that’s not how it works in any book, even the devil gives glory for a conquered one. Gratitude is the glue.

I feel lighter. Calmer. Dare I say… moisturized?

Don’t be tight-chested, annoyed, and lowkey dragging your life like it’s an expired carton of hollandia milk, please: Inhale. Exhale. And release your shoulders.

Everything will fall into place. You may be behind, lost, and a failure. But as long as you are trying everyday to put a foot in front of the other and be better then don’t forget to breathe.

Now go drink some water, release that jaw, drop that tensed shoulders, and be grateful without bitterness. Your next chapter can’t hear you over all that internal screaming you've been doing.

With love and deep full breaths of air,

Winifred

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This reminds me of that black American movie that was titled “Waiting to Exhale,” I need to rewatch it because the story rings a bell.

Thank you for reading. ♡