Do You Wish You Married Your First Love?

The first love experience stirs up deep emotions, fear included. How we respond to the aftermath of this happily ever after we envisioned becoming a story that leaves a mark.

Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

I cannot count the stories I have read where people still yearn for the one that got away -(The first love). We are often encouraged to be the one that got away because it is sure to leave the other party yearning for “what could have been.”

No matter how much time might have passed or how many people have come and gone in your life. The first love memories stay with you. That first original untainted opening of love changes you. It rewires the way you see relationships, intimacy, and even yourself. When it ends, it feels like the world, as you know it, is crumbling. If you still find yourself thinking about them, even years later, you’re not the only one.

There is a psychology behind “the first love, experience. According to Dr. Holly Schiff, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist, first love is a completely new experience, making the person tied to it a lasting presence in your memory. “This experience is unlike anything you’ve felt before, which cements that person in your mind,” Schiff tells Bustle in an interview. “Plus, the chemical bonds formed in love, like oxytocin, make the connection even stronger.”

The reason many first love feels impossible to forget is that we formed our first core romantic emotions when we experienced them. The way and manner it ends also leads to what we become in later relationships. The first love experience stirs up deep emotions, fear included. How we respond to the aftermath of this happily ever after we envisioned becoming a story that leaves a mark on how we navigate the rest “likeness” we come to experience.

It makes me wonder, what if we all married our first loves? Would we be happier, or are we just romanticizing a past that was never meant to be?

Here’s what the numbers say:

According to a new study by YouGov. The longevity of first love marriages has a lower divorce rate when you compare it to second marriages. It is said that 64% of first love spouses believe they will be together for life. Which is higher than the 88% average for all married people. From this, we can say that first lovers are more optimistic about the “together forever” love belief.

Not everything is love and roses because, well, over 48% of people who marry their first love eventually divorce. By 36%, second-lover marriages are more common. Most times, these people have gone ahead to love three or five more people before they meet their intended love.

Another YouGov new research stated that love-free marriages are more resilient than established lovebirds in several ways. Those who do not marry their first love find that their love levels drop from 64% to 57%; however, for those who marry their first love, they’re sure the love can go above 64% or still stay at 64%.

For couples in their first marriage with their first love, only about 19% consider leaving their spouse. Individuals who have loved previously or are on their third love, about 34% of them, will leave you dry like sand in the desert if the dynamics change.

The “till death do us apart,” or the “I will love you even in the afterlife,” is taken seriously by 97% of first lovers. They believe they will be with their spouse until death do them apart. Those who end up with their second, third or fourth love by 80% do not envision growing old with the person they finally settled with.

It makes me wonder if this is partly a generational difference thing. As older people married young and mostly married their first love, or came to love their first partners and stayed by them. Now we have the use of social media, dating apps, hookup apps, etc. People do not wish to be invested in love. They want the quick tumble into the sheets because “we are feeling each other,” so it is only natural to end up naked before I even know if you even like the life you’re living.

A recent survey by an author of dreammakerr.com showcased something strikingly varied that “Men are often confident that they love their partners and find them sexually appealing than women. Women have considered leaving their partner once every 40 minutes in over 24 hours of living with them. It makes me laugh

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Why We Never Forget It

According to research by neuroscientist and professor Dr. Lucy Brown, PhD, first loves activate the brain’s reward system more intensely than later relationships. Two decades of research reveal that in the early stages of intense romantic love, the kind we associate with being lovestruck, the brain's reward system kicks in at a deeply primal level. This activation begins in the midbrain, one of the most ancient parts of the brain responsible for pleasure and motivation. This explains that our first heartbreak never leaves us. It is nearly impossible to forget who hurt us.

From the research I’ve done on this topic, a world where everyone marries their first love does sound poetic. Does it hold up in reality? Yes, it does with the numbers. Studies show that the average person changes significantly in their lives between the ages of 18 and 30. Would we recognize the one we loved at 16? Yes, maybe, but would they recognize us now? Maybe, because traits we have built upon or dropped may have been there at 16 or 17, you wouldn't know. Perhaps the environment has shaped us to become something else over time. I don’t know what the answer is for you when you remember your first love, but don’t let nostalgia blind you to the truth deep down.

First love shows us who we are, what we want, and what we’re willing to tolerate. It teaches us what love should feel like—and sometimes, what it absolutely shouldn’t. It’s the love we wanted to be right, only to realize, through heartbreak and hindsight, that it was never meant to last.

Maybe first love isn't meant to last, but instead to teach us how to love. What do you think? Would you have been happier marrying your first love, or are you grateful for the lessons you learned after them?

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