Desire

“I sometimes fear that I might be cursed.”

I said to myself as I doodled what seemed like fishes swimming towards whatever it was my mind conceived. I finished not quite long and decided to write here. It is easier to write here. I don’t know why but it feels safe at all times.

So many questions on my mind as I tried to ease my mind from the rambles my mind go through. My mind, she is never quiet.

Love 💞

We pondered on love.

For a long time I believed I thought I was cursed at love.

Cursed to love more and never receive even half of the measure I pour into places, things, jobs, and people. So I stopped trying.

I started returning the measures given to me back. Doing back to them what was done to me.

“Give and take,” became a motto I often remembered while knowing at the same time that in this life sometimes we can never ever truly measure. However, they can be efforts to show that you also did try. I value efforts.

The desire to try and let the person be pleased—pleases me.

Desire

It is exhausting when it is easy to be lusted after. Men being unabashed about their desire to do things to you without preamble.

I was not the most beautiful teenager growing up. It took a while to grow into my body but once I did, it became different. At first I found it fascinating to be wanted, called “sexy” or remotely likened to having the curves similar to Nicki Minaj. However the fear of teenage pregnancy kept me close to God and church. So no matter what the boys said I never swayed.

Until my first significant other. I knew what being undesired meant. I was not his type. He came for me because my hymen was intact. He coveted that.

After that ordeal I thought to myself that no matter what desire for me is a prerequisite. However the desires of today just remain visual, sexual, carnal, and just so lustful, lol for the lack of better ways to say it. It is humane.

I mean the other families of the class Mammalia like the Chimpanzees mate as much as 4-6 times per hour. They mate if stressed, they mate if scared, they just mate. But we are humans, at least in the order of animal kingdom classification we are up there as the scariest because of what our minds can conceive.

The desires and satisfaction varies differently for people. People find satisfaction in different forms like eating golden morn made from cold water. lol I judge you if you do that. 😭

Mine

Desire for me physically is still a prerequisite, I want someone who would love to hear me speak, talk, struggle with words because the emotions within is so profound that I struggle to express it neatly.

The desire and need to listen and talk with and to me.

• Listen to my playlists, song choices, discuss music, tone, harmony, immerse in various musical experiences with me and I with you.

• Books, read or love them somehow or love me reading. Buy the books and gift them. Let’s have book experiences.

Support, plain joy that I got that thing. This is funny and hard to find tbh. With the partners I’ve had, whenever I got something, they became jealous. Whenever I grew, they became cold. Whenever I had an experience with my friends they saw it as a competition to get an experience with their friends as well. A tussle of who is best individually.

It was never a “oh I am so happy that you get to experience this or have this or I am so proud of you for doing this.” Open competition and they be older than I am yet the sheer childishness of it leaves me stunned.

• I desire to have great experiences outside of the bed, kissing, and all that, together. You know just pure being a human being that enjoys living and collecting memories and experiences.

Even writing these seem weird to me because while I thought I was cursed for wanting things “normal” people without agendas but in love with each other will want, it occurred to me that I haven’t been with “normal” people. 😹

I am “normal” in terms of relationships as my therapist said I have a “secure healthy attachment level.” But I have been attracting “Dismissive avoidants.”

I was like that’s their problem tbh. Because I detach as much as I attach once I notice an imbalance in my emotional needs. They never see a problem because they are just fine with being the recipient of the love I give.

I am also not difficult to love because my female friends who are also healthy loving people have maintained years of friendships with me and we are still there planning and supporting one another.

But someone I date for three months wants to suddenly start acting like a 15 year old married couple on the fourth month of being in a relationship? It is laughable, I cannot comprehend it.

I am the one with diagnosed AuDHD but the normal one? Or are they undiagnosed people with varying mental health problems I do not know off?

I really can’t say. But agendas in relationships when one person is there to love and be loved has taught me that; although love is a basic human right, it isn’t, and it won’t be for a very long time for the majority of people.

Humans or maybe most people don’t love, at least not in the ways we think love should be. Instead, people with agendas use people. They exploit. They manipulate. And the worst thing is that many of them are not even aware that this is what they are doing. It is sad.

Although I feel bad for always been the one who breaks up because the matters I have talked about do not seem to improve, I am glad that I always have the strength to walk away. Staying only shows that I can endure as much and tbh I can’t that will only prove that I am cursed. 😹 But as long as I leave, I am not.

Till the next ramble I hope you are well.

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Thank you for reading this public thought sharing. 😹 at least now the thought won’t be in my head anymore giving room to other thoughts to find their way to my newsletter.