Conditional love

my thought process on “I love you always,” “It is forever baby,” “Together till infinity.”

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Them: “I love you always,” “It is forever baby,” “Together till infinity.”

Me: “Hold on, hold on…” I say in the most elderly churchy woman’s tone. Wait a minute, let’s hold it right there because you’re one of them.

Them: What do you mean one of them?

Me: One of them in the sense that you claim a forever love, but you only love as long as it meets your conditions.

I am not the one to claim, “forever,” “ride or die,” “always,” yet I remain the one loving people through phases they have to go through, albeit silently. I understand the love that wills you to be better, I understand the love that calls out my bullshit, I understand the love that keeps me grounded and the love that feels good for the feel-good moments.

It is me who knows that just as my mother calls me big back three times a week, she hopes I do not get so fat and look some sort of way before having children. It is the love that makes her still love those males in her life because she understands them.

And it baffles me that I, who do not claim a forever love is the one who perseveres. Now, I am thinking through it, is it because I am aware that there are times when loving someone can be hard, so I love regardless?

This is not about me btw so hang with me still.

This is what I have discovered, which is in no way a mind-breaking discovery is that those who promise a forever, say it without thoughtful consideration. Thoughtful consideration for the times when this person they claim to forever love, does something really out of the image of them they have in their heads.

Second, these people love how you love them. They are used to the love you dish out and to keep you in the loop promising forever without the work of forever.

Third, I know we all have sides of us that are mean, cold, and honestly shocking. However, for these people when you see that side, it is hideously worrisome. You can actively say what the fuck a hundred times a day and still not exhaust the surprise.

It leads me to the conclusion that it is conditional love. “I will love you forever, as long as you keep me happy, validate my feelings, and keep the moments between us to be ‘feel-good,’ moments.”

It is a promise for you to keep doing for them, while they reward you with the promise of forever love.

I also believe these people truly want a forever love for themselves too but cannot give it. They want to be loved unconditionally as they are and as they come without ever measuring to the levels of love you can reach for them.

These people tell you, “The levels of love I have, I have not shown you even 10% of it.” It is breadcrumbing, like laying seeds for a chicken to keep following you and hoping there’s Nirvana somewhere.

Is it wrong to want conditional love?

I don’t think so. Conditional love is alright, as long as your conditions are met. So say, “I love you as long as my conditions are met, and when they aren’t I won’t love you anymore.”

Don’t utter words without the confidence to keep to them when the ‘feel-good’ moments go away.

A poem for conditional lovers

We dance on ice, a fragile grace,
A fragile dance, bound by fleeting pieces.
Each step a question, will you hold my weight?
Or will the cracks whisper love’s uncertain fate?

Offer you my heart—a fragile, bleeding thing—
While you collect the pieces, feel nothing.

You took what I gave, left my hands bare,
Eyes wide open, yet unaware.
I’d leap for you, face fire, face blades,
But your heart’s a fortress, its loyalty swayed.

I catch grenades for the love you deny,
Bleed through the silence where your echoes lie.
I am human, stitched from fear and need,
But my faith in you? A reckless creed.

The water ripples, the ice grows thin,
This love’s a war no one can win.
Would you drown for me, as I sink for you?
Or is love conditional, like the things we do?

Thank you for reading with me through my thought process. I’ve had this in my head for days now and needed to give it room here, so I move on to other things for the day.

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