Can you love him out of my system?

The sight and sound of his name anywhere made my breath hitch.

It could be the surname of a random lady whose father bears the same name as him and it would bring back jarring memories of him and I.

I wanted to be set free. I knew this love was bad for me yet I wanted him.

It got worse at night when all I would think about was him. Poems, stories, words, I couldn’t escape.

I prayed so hard on my knees, asking God to take away this feeling. I did not want it.

When I met another who liked me I hoped they’d be my savior. I pleaded with my eyes, “can you please love him out of my system? Can you love me so hard that I never remember to compare you to him?”

I pleaded silently for them to save me from this torment. This torment of seeing him happy with another, another he’s going to marry while he confessed he was still very much attracted to me and wanted, needed me.

I chose to leave, I decided to leave him alone but his face, his posture, his eyes pleaded for me to be happy for him. To commend him because he was honest to tell me. To find closure that left me convoluted.

I cannot forget it and I want to forget it. Why do I still yearn for one who would never belong to me?

Why do I see marriage now as my only solace away from him? I want to get busy with my daughters and forget him. I desire selfishly a man who would love us more that with time I come to see him as the one who rescued me from the clawing feelings of doom.

Is it wrong that I desire this?

Please can you love him out of my system?

Why can I not never see his name as a normal name anymore? I need to be free? Do I want to be free? I do!

“Do you?” His voice mocks me.

“You know how it is with us, we spiral together. It is special with us.” He said.

“It is not special.” I chant a million times a day to escape from it.

“Help me.” I pleaded with my eyes at my next date.

But he cannot help me. “You have to deal with it alone because I also want to leave my mark on you, and I cannot do it if his is still there,” my date said silently with his actions.

“Dear God can you love him out of my system? Make me forget.”

God too only watches me suffer.

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Thanks for reading 🤍. I hope you’re well.