An evening shared tale on friendship.
Women make my world spin effectively but…
If you ask me if I am a good friend? I will say “I am not sure I am,” because I am not.
If you ask me on a deeper level, I will tell you that I have sacrificed myself, my person, involved my family to please a friend and it all backfired excellently—now I just pull away whenever I feel myself stretching too much.
I stretch from time to time but I do not stretch so much anymore.
I have always been the one to bring friends home. Out of all my siblings, I bring friends home the most—all genders since primary school. I remember my father whooping me anytime a boy visited my house. He was “protecting” me and keeping me away from boys. Lol.
My mother is the mother who is everyone's mother. My mother gets hurt and she notices when the friendships I have aren't balanced and pities me for it.
I do not stretch easily now because I do not want to hear her tell me how this friend is secretive but I am as open as an idiot with them. Or how I go over the moon for them and when the situation presents itself for them to be there for me I have no one to turn to but my family. “Why then do you try Winifred?” she asks.
“In what universe will their mothers do what I have done for their children for you?”
“Do you know their mother’s name?”
“Do their mothers comfort you as I comfort them each time they need the warmth of love?”
She asks.
“Do you even know where they live?”
“Do you ever ask for the same help you give?”
“Why do you like being the gift that keeps giving?”
My mother asks.
I say, “But mommy it is okay to be the one giving, it doesn't matter, I don't mind.”
“It matters, it matters a lot, everybody has their lane in life and if you have been shown yours in someone’s life stay it.”
“You support every friend business, you buy from them, you volunteer your skills for free most times and when it comes to accolades they give to those whose books they want to be in, not yours.”
I say, “it doesn't matter mommy.”
“It matters, you are loved at home and the love is full, I won’t have you giving out that love for free only to get empty for your family to fill you up again. You are nobody’s savior,” she said.
“All your friendships draw the line, balance the ends and see if it is balanced keep the scores like that, if it is not reduce your efforts and see how fast you will be dropped by the ones who seek to only use.”
I sigh.
I reduced my efforts still I have real friends. I have “my friends,” I see them and they see me. And it is the dark universal law of life that one side will always be the one who loves more. It is okay, we may never balance out every affection we receive in life and that's okay.
Give out the love anyways it is yours to give and it is honorable.
If you are anything like me—a person who pours all they have in their hearts until it is empty, then by all means pour.
It is why it is always easier for me to move on without regrets. I love wholeheartedly. I do not hesitate. I am intense for as much as I can be. Once I have exhausted the love in my heart and it is dry from the lack of nourishment on your end I sail easily.
It burns like a fire and the lack of wood or coal makes it extinguish.
My mother may not understand that. I understand her advice and I understand where it comes from—however I understand me too.
Female friendships are surely tricky but when you get the good ones you bask in the comfort of having such free space for you to vulnerably be. I love them.
Men do a lot to many women and they give numerous graces and still sleep with them and have their child. But when a woman gives them the medicine they dish it becomes permanent break ups. So whereas I might not give a thousand graces to a man, I find myself doing so in friendships sometimes. It isn't a good habit. It backfired many times. Haha 😂
I am not sure I am a good friend per se, but I am that friend who is there with the best comforting words, a warm hug, and a cup of tea to soothe. I will listen and I will support. I will not stretch that much anymore but I could pull my weight for you if needed. That comforts me.
I will share my candid thoughts and confusion about men always.
I will try to do better as a human being going through the various seasons of their life. And I hope somehow just as I remember the good times, my good contributions stand for me in the lives of distant, close, current, past, and new friends.
If it doesn't all the same mehn. I can remember well enough for the two sides.
Another reason I have the friendships I have is because I realized that I have never defined what I expected from my friends. I just vibe and it ends up unbalanced, but then friendship isn't some checkbook or to-do list you balance and check? That is stressful and I rather not do that. I rather just match energies and see it play out.
Life is vast and I bask in that knowledge that everything happening to me is not the whole story. It is a part of the story, how significant it will be depends on my reactions to it.
With that I just breathe and keep my eyes forward to the new experiences I will have.
It is a beautiful cozy evening and I am grateful for my life, my family, my strength, my love, my persistence to do this thing called life right. I am grateful for being the sturdiest support in my life and extending the grace to others as well.
I am grateful that I am a matriarch of my household and I listen to everyone’s wisdom as it comes. I am grateful for the inclusive space I and my mother have created for my siblings to exist in their confusion as they sort their phases out.
There's a roof over my head, food in my belly, warm socks on my feet, friends who can light the torch for me, and the forehead kisses from mine. I can only try to keep getting better.
Thanks for reading. ♡
All images credit to their respective owners.
very beautiful, I feel seen in this piece <3