A confused theist

Seen on Oluwanimi notes he saw it from X and it inspired this writeup in seconds.

I’m not an atheist.

I read a lot about religion but no god calls to me nor I to it.

I sit in the pews of the church and think about its dissonance with reality.

I sit in my friends church as I listen to the preacher preach against sickness and pains.

She says pain isn’t of god. So the cramps I feel each month I should confess with the word, I should rebuke it.

But I laugh at her because pains are all I’ve known for 12 years.

I wait for a god of any religion to call out to me.

To make me feel special because the Jesus I was shown didn’t answer me when my father continuously bashed my mother’s head on cold tiles.

The Jesus I screamed in the church didn’t help me escape the terrible pastor who almost raped me in Ilorin.

The Jesus I screamed seems so far and I feel I am not his favorite.

But I am not an atheist. Something stopped me from dying when I was in coma after a hit and run accident.

I see god sometimes in CCI but I also see the brothers who are like wolves in sheep clothing.

I see god in my mother, I call her god sometimes because she is.

I am a theist I am not just sure which one I belong.

This is a journey of self I hope to emerge on the side that fits my soul.

I envy those who trust in their god as for me I just read and remain fascinated at the intersections of religion. As for faith I have faith in my mother.